


Mistakes

by The_Hawk_Eye



Series: Acceptance [3]
Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Angst, Feels, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Pre-Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-05-28 10:05:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15046565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: Dinesh runs away from what he longs desperately and repeats to himself over and over all kind of lies to survive and believe he can be happy denying what he really is.





	1. Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this at the beginning of season 5 so there are things don't make sense but I'm too lazy to change them now, sorry... English is not my first language so I apologize for the mistakes in advance.

There are feelings that shouldn’t exist. There are feelings he shouldn’t have. There are feelings Dinesh can’t allow himself to have if he wants to be a better son. He can’t disappoint his family more than he already has. So Dinesh denies his own desires and feelings and buries them after layers of self-deception and delusions created to make him believe he can have what he doesn’t want, that he can love what actually make him feels sick.

So Dinesh runs away from what he longs desperately and repeats to himself over and over all kind of lies to survive and believe he can be happy denying what he really is.

Dinesh looks away every time his body yearns for a simple touch from the wrong person and whelms his cravings in the deepest and darkest corner of his own mind where he can’t avoid get lost from time to time to fulfil all his perverse desires. It’s a mistake but there are moments when he needs to escape from reality to be happy for some seconds... And he knows it is a mistake. Dinesh knows it is dangerous but he needs... he fucking needs... Reality can be overwhelming when he is rejecting all the time his passions and it’s suffocating to be around the object of his desires without being able to accept his own feelings and trying despairingly to not long for his touch.

Dinesh knows it’s a mistake to fall for his own desires and needs but... it is too late. So he should have been ready for the day he would commit a mistake. But the problem with self-deception is that you can’t acknowledge what it shouldn’t exist.

So the first time he commits the mistake he doesn’t realize what he is doing till it’s too late. He comes with Gilfoyle’s name pouring through his lips. He tastes the sweetest feeling after that orgasm before he starts panicking because of what he just did; because of whom he just called.

Dinesh panics for several hours in his room and almost cries because of what that means. His feelings for Gilfoyle are not a surprise of course; he has been hiding them for a long time, denying them... before he had that awful slip that changes everything; because before that moment it was easier to ignore those feelings, to do like they were never there. And after that it is impossible for him to continue like that. Those feelings weren’t real before that moment. And now they are awfully real and there is no way he can go back to deny them, to ignore them.

Dinesh is fucked.

Dinesh thinks about avoiding Gilfoyle for a while, till he can stop feeling ashamed and guilty for his feelings, but what would be the point in that. They work together so... if he tries to avoid Gilfoyle, in less than a minute the other would realize that Dinesh is trying to hide something from him and would go after him till he would discover the fucking problem. And Dinesh would make everything even more real. Dinesh doesn’t need another situation like the ‘gay code’ again. He had to word really hard to ignore that even happened.

So Dinesh forces himself to work with Gilfoyle like nothing has happened, but... everything has changed and there is no going back from there so...

Dinesh starts to masturbate to a daily basis thinking about Gilfoyle. Dinesh fantasies about fucking Gilfoyle everyday in every place possible; sometimes they are in their room naked; others they are fully clothed fucking in a random bathroom from any tech conference; other times they are in the living room trying to be quicker and quieter as possible to not being caught by the rest; and others they are in the garage completely sweaty with Anton still alive and Gilfoyle is wearing those amazing cat contacts... Dinesh imagines all kind of scenarios and enjoys them till he cums and let the guilt devours him afterwards.

It’s like a ritual; a mess up ritual that Dinesh needs to survive. If his parents knew about this they would be crushed. They would never speak with him again...

Dinesh wants to be a good son but...

He can’t be a good son but he can try. Dinesh can fight against this in his own terms... Dinesh can continue like this since this doesn’t hurt anyone.

And that way it’s easier to pretend in front in Gilfoyle.

Dinesh can chat online and go to unsuccessful dates from time to time with the security of knowing that everything will go to shit before the end of the first date. It’s easy to pretend in front of everybody else.

It’s so fucking easy that hurts but that is good because that is what he deserves. Dinesh deserves the pain and the desperation that comes after every fucking date with amazing women; after spending every day with Gilfoyle; after every time he comes thinking about him... that is his punishment for being what he shouldn’t; for desiring the wrong person, for loving...

Dinesh deserves that awful feeling that comes every night after giving up in everything his family wants him to be.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"What went wrong this time?" Asks Gilfoyle with that tone he uses when he’s going to mock him. "Was it your face again?"

"Fuck off!" He replies because that’s what he is supposed to say; that’s what they others expect from him. "It is none of your fucking business." He never tries to explain what went wrong. It’s easy to be quiet and letting the rest theorize about his problems with girls.

This time the girl was nice and perfect for him and she even was into him. Which made things more difficult for him because he... he had to be the one stopping her.

Fuck...

"So the problem was you." Gilfoyle continues because he thinks he’s funny.

Dinesh doesn’t look at him. He’s at the edge right now. He had to reject a wonderful woman for... because... Dinesh had the perfect date with the perfect woman and... he couldn’t...

Why can’t he be normal?

Why can’t he have the possibility of being what his parents want?

Why does he have to be a fucking disappointment for his family?

Why him...?

"I told you." Gilfoyle continues looking at Richard. "He was going to screw things up just for being himself."

Everybody is laughing but Jared after that. She even thought he was attractive and funny.

"Guys... I don’t think Dinesh is in the mood for..." Jared stops talking when Dinesh takes Gilfoyle’s beer and drinks it in one long sip that makes everybody in the room stop laughing and even Gilfoyle is unable to complain. Dinesh needs alcohol. When he finishes he goes to the kitchen and takes one of the scotch bottles that they have in case they need to celebrate something. "Dinesh is obviously upset so maybe..." tries to continue Jared till Gilfoyle cuts him.

"Shut up Jared!"

"This is serious..." adds Richard nervously.

Of course this is serious thinks Dinesh but they don’t know it yet. So he ignores all of them and takes a long sip from the bottle in a way that anybody can’t think about complaining because he is drinking one of their bottles of good whiskey. Dinesh needs this. Dinesh needs the alcohol. What has happened this night is another step to his complete ruin. He can deal with failed dates and his feelings but this is too much for him because he wasn’t ready to fail on purpose. He wanted to fail with the perfect girl.

Why can’t he be normal?

Why can’t he be like Elrich was? Or even like Jared...?

Why has to be... him?

Why Gilfoyle?

He drinks again and can see Jared trying to go to him but he doesn’t stop even though he knows it’s a mistake. Dinesh has been drinking all night and the moment he came to the house he was tipsy so this is not what he should be doing but he needs this.

"Easy on that."

Dinesh ignores Jared. Everybody is worried now but he doesn’t care. He can’t stop thinking about what this means. He knows he won’t be able to try more dates, at least in a long time. He won’t be able to run away from his feeling anymore.

Why...?

Why...?

"Why can’t I be normal?"

Those words should have never left his mouth but it’s too late and right now he doesn’t care.

"Because you’re you." Gilfoyle answer and that comment comes immediately with an elbow from Richard who is sitting next to him. Dinesh looks at him for several seconds trying to figure out if Gilfoyle is making fun of him or not. But after some moments he decides the effort is not worth it. Who the fuck cares? He’s right and Dinesh is tired.

" Thanks, that was really helpful." And that’s all he has to say with his typical mannerism more notable. "Good night." That’s the last thing he says before going to his room yet with the bottle in his hand.

Dinesh closes the door quietly after him and sits in his bed drinking. Everything is fucked and there is no way for him to go back to a point in his life where he can be content with this situation. He can’t run anymore from this. He doesn’t have the excuse of girls don’t looking at him. He opens his laptop and puts some depressing music from one of his spotify list.

After a while he hears two soft knockings. He could ignore them but he knows who is waiting in the door and he won’t leave him alone till he can say what he wants to say.

"Yes?" The bottle is still in his hand and is half empty. Dinesh is drunk and even more vulnerable than before. He shouldn’t listen to him but it’s impossible not to do it.

"You are drunk."

"Thanks for the information I would have never know it without your help." Dinesh replies with a thick voice. He is so fucking drunk in that moment...

Gilfoyle sighs with a tired expression.

"Say whatever the fuck you want and leave me alone."

"Drink all you want. It's not going to change who you are" Gilfoyle says. It's not the first time he says shit like that. Dinesh has heard the exact same sentence over the years at least three more times; always after a bad date and with alcohol in his hands. He knows Gilfoyle is right but he's not going to tell him that exactly.

"Yeah... I know that..." Dinesh feels stupid because that's not what he wanted to say. He wants to add something else but he’s not sure what. "Thanks for the input." Dinesh can see Gilfoyle wants to add something else but he’s not going to listen to him. This night he needs to have the last word. "Goodnight." And after that he closes the door and puts the chair just in case. He is not in the mood to deal with Gilfoyle and his shit at the moment.

For some stupid reason he starts masturbating with Gilfoyle picture in his mind although he knows he will feel awful and disgusted after that. He imagines Gilfoyle in front of him; smiling at him with that stupid gesture he does. He’s fully clothed with those cat contacts Dinesh finds extremely hot and dumb. In his mind Gilfoyle doesn’t ruin the moment by saying something stupid and hurtful; he remains in silence while he knees in front of him to blow him. Dinesh imagines Gilfoyle’s lips around his cock moving faster little by little till he cums.

For two seconds he feels glorious.

And then he’s miserable and lonely and touch starving; and fucking desperate because he needs to touch him for real and kiss him... Dinesh craves his touch and that is something no fantasy can give him. And he knows this is a mistake. Dinesh knows he’s making a huge mistake by letting himself go along these fantasies about him but he can’t stop himself from doing it. This is not the kind of behaviour he should have. This is not the kind of son his parents raised... He should be fighting this. He should be fighting his feelings and desires. He has done it before.

He’s not the kind of son his parents deserve.

He’s ruining everything.

Dinesh has been working hard for years to avoid this kind of situation and now he’s ruining everything for an unrequited feeling...

He has to go back on track but... But maybe he can make this last a little bit more. Dinesh can go back to deceive himself whenever he wants so... just for some more days he can... Nothing will happen between them so there is no problem. He still can be the son their parents want him to be.

Dinesh can wait till they remember him again he needs to find a fine girl to fight against this. There is no rush...

Dinesh drinks almost all the bottle and goes to sleep knowing next day he’s going to feel like shit thanks to the hangover he’s going to have thanks to the alcohol but... who the fuck cares?

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Next morning he wakes up too early and too hangover. Before he goes to the kitchen he gets dressed and washes his face till he thinks he doesn’t look too miserable. After that he goes to the kitchen and prepares something to eat that will end in the toilet. He goes to work late and surprises them. Nobody says anything to him which makes him feel worse for some reason. Was he too miserable last night that nobody feels comfortable making fun of him? Not even Gilfoyle?

"Are you feeling alright?" Jared asks because he is too nice.

"Fuck off..." Dinesh whispers with a weak voice.

Jared smiles and continues with his work. Dinesh looks at the screen and blinks several times. He always forgets how difficult is for him working when he’s hangover. Everything moves around him. It’s like being inside a boat in the middle of a fucking tempest.

"Maybe... Maybe you should rest... Take the..." Richard goes to him nervously and starts stuttering a sentence that Dinesh doesn’t want to hear.

"Stop!" Dinesh cuts Richard. He doesn’t need anyone’s pity. And for some reason all of them seem to understand what he needs because they don’t try to make him go home. And after some hours and four trips to the toilet Dinesh can work in a decent rhythm. Eventually Jared and Richard leave the office to do who knows what.

"I’m going to Richard’s office." He informs to Gilfoyle. "I can’t work with this noise."

Dinesh takes his laptop and moves away from the noise of all those fingers tipping the keyboard. He works in peace for two minutes when Gilfoyle comes.

"The rest told me not to do this but I’m going to do it anyways."

"Of course you will." Dinesh has been waiting for this all morning. "Go on. Suit yourself." And for some reason he feels better. This is how things are supposed to be between them.

"You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are." Gilfoyle says and Dinesh can see he’s not joking in this moment. He sounds honest but he knows better and doesn’t trust what Gilfoyle is going to add next. "You’re fine the way you are."

"Thanks...?" Dinesh waits but Gilfoyle doesn’t say anything more. "Are you going to wait too much till the insult?"

"I’m not going to insult you today." That sounds odd and of course Dinesh doesn’t trust that this is all he has to say. "I’m being honest."

"And nice... you’re not nice."

"I can be nice sometimes with you."

"Ok. Good talk then. I feel better already."

"And you shouldn’t feel bad because a bunch of women can’t see you can be a..."

"Nice?"

"A nice guy." Gilfoyle finishes his sentence not really convinced by the word selected. And for some reason that kind comment from Gilfoyle stirs something inside Dinesh.

"Actually the date went right." He pauses to see Gilfoyle reaction to see if it’s worth it to be honest with him or not but he doesn’t say anything hurtful. He looks behind Gilfoyle’s back and sees everybody is working and not paying attention to them.

"So?"

"The girl was into me and for some reason she thought I was amazing." Dinesh knows he sounds self-deprecating but it’s the truth and he’s being honest for some reason with Gilfoyle and he can’t stop himself. "And wanted a second date... and even asked me to go with her to her apartment to have... you know... to do sex to her." Dinesh can see the effort Gilfoyle is making to not ruin this moment and mocking him for his selection of words which gives him the strength to continue. This is ammunition for Gilfoyle because he can use it against him whenever he wants in the future but Dinesh doesn’t care. He needs to talk to somebody about this and he’s his only friend. Gilfoyle is the only person he trusts even though it’s the same person causing all his problems. "But I couldn’t do it. I froze and told her I wasn’t interested."

 Gilfoyle only blinks and waits.

"I couldn’t go with her. I sabotaged myself..." Dinesh is not able to find the right words but Gilfoyle helps him in his way.

"Because you’re you."

"Exactly!" Dinesh exclaims looking at Gilfoyle.

"So are you going to stop pretending now?"

Dinesh doesn’t understand what Gilfoyle means exactly but nods because he’s going to stop pretending. He can’t be a good son. He can’t be the son his parents want. He can’t be the person he desperately wants to be. He can’t be what he should be... And Dinesh is exhausting of pretending. The feeling that go all over his body is liberating and he feels light for some seconds before he realizes that he can’t have any of what he desires. However he smiles because they’re friends and that will have to be enough. This moment with Gilfoyle is worth everything he has suffered.

And he can stop pretending for a while; till his parents decide it is time for him to get married.

"Thanks." Dinesh is fucked; he thinks after saying that because he is even more in love than before and asks himself why he has been so desperate to fall in love all his life since to be in love sucks. "Are you going to make fun of me now?"

"Nah." Gilfoyle shrugs his shoulders. "I think I will pass this time."

And that’s all. Gilfoyle goes back to his chair and continues with his work in complete silence.

That night Dinesh finishes his complete downfall and accept out loud he loves Gilfoyle. It’s something he says alone in the dark of his room but he says it and that’s what matters. Anyways it’s not something he can say to anyone else.

There are things that can be only said in solitude.

There are truths that can only live in a dark room.

Next day Jared talks with him in private to be sure everything is fine and to remind him he can’t behave like that at work. Dinesh really wants to tell him to fuck off but for some reason he doesn’t do it and listen to him.

"We are a real company now and this kind of behaviour can affect how the rest of our employees see us. Do you understand?"

Dinesh nods.

"And now I ask you as a friend." Dinesh wants to reply he’s not his friend but again he can’t do it. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes... I’m fine."

However he doesn’t wait for Jared to add something else when he is going back to his place.

Dinesh continues fantasying with Gilfoyle which leaves him content but at the same time a catastrophic feeling is devouring his insides. Dinesh can feel he will have eventually another crisis and when that happens he won’t have any excuses if the others see it. However he tries his best and buries what he feels the best he can during the day and let it explode at night.

It’s disgusting and Dinesh feels sick after because he can accept his feelings but not the fact that he’s not fighting them and he’s falling more for a man who will never love him back who shouldn't love him back for his own good. Dinesh can accept he’s socially inept but this is too much and too complicated and messy in so many levels. Some days he’s content with being only his friends and others he’s desperate because he will never be something else but his fucking friend...

Dinesh can’t stop thinking he’s the most hopeless human being in the world.

He’s unable to decide if his friendship is enough for him or not... and feels even more miserable than before because he’s a fucking moron. And some nights Dinesh drinks alone in his room because he can’t talk with anyone about this because he doesn’t have friends but the one causing the fucking problem who would mock him merciless if he’d know. And he has Jared ho will give him the worst advice ever by saying some bullshit like following his heart; an option Dinesh can’t have for his parents.


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot about this story... so this is chapter two, let's hope I post the next chapter soon (probably next week).
> 
> English is not my first language so I apologize for the mistakes.

Dinesh spends a lot of time with a bottle in his hands trying to relax without actually drinking it because it helps. He’s so fucking melodramatic he wants to laugh most of nights. And some days later for some unknown reason Gilfoyle starts coming to his bedroom to drink with him in an odd and quiet way. He doesn’t ask for permission he just comes in with a beer in his hand and sits on the floor without a word and Dinesh lets him because it’s kind of nice and helps him to develop another way to deal with his feelings without so much alcohol which is cheaper and healthier.

The problem is the intimacy growing between them and the fact Gilfoyle behaves like a decent human being...

Dinesh feels loved which is a new experience for him. And love sucks but at the same time can be so fucking amazing and kind. And Dinesh believes those nights he can be loved by him. Dinesh wants sex but he’s not desperate at the moment so this is enough for him to believe, for some moments, that this can be real. He stops asking himself why he can’t be normal and why he had to fall in love with such an asshole. In those moments Gilfoyle doesn’t behave like a complete dickhead and Dinesh understands why he has those feelings; Gilfoyle makes him feel normal and it’s a feeling he’s not used to.

"Have you given up in love?" Gilfoyle asks out of the blue one night. Dinesh remains silence for several seconds. He has learnt to see when Gilfoyle is not being a jerk and it’s genuinely interested or worried. There is something in his voice that changes when he is being serious, or at least that’s what he wants to believe. He thinks about what to say but he’s not sure. Has he given up? Can someone give up when never really tried something. Dinesh is not sure. He’s going to say some shitty answer when Gilfoyle talks again. "Because you shouldn’t." And that is oddly comforting.

"Nah... I will probably try again..." He lies because he really doesn’t know what he’s going to do next. Dinesh doesn’t understand his own feelings and desires. He doesn’t know what he should do after a while exactly. Right now this is enough to not become crazy. He can deal with solitude like he has always done and lie to himself when he needs it; the craving for his touch is under control thanks to his active mind; and apparently desperation suits him. "...and scare them like always by being me."

"You know there is nothing wrong with you, right? Do you understand that?"

"Yes I know." He lies because there is something wrong with him; because a good son would never be like him.

"You’re just you."

"I’m just me and that is my fucking problem I understand that; you don’t need to repeat it again. And I know I can’t change who I am by drinking, I know it so don’t worry. I... will be... me and..." Dinesh restrains himself and the rest of the sentence dies before leaving his lips.

"No, that’s not what I mean when I say these things." Gilfoyle says in an odd manner. He always sounds weird when he doubts while speaking. And that doesn’t happen too often; one of the times Dinesh has seen him doubt is when he’s going to say something cruel but doesn’t want to be cruel. Hence Dinesh prepares himself to hear something mean because Gilfoyle is awful even when he tries to be delicate. "It’s not what I mean by that. You’re fine. I know I usually tell you things like you’re awful and shit like that but you’re not. You’re fine. You don’t have to change anything."

Dinesh raises an eyebrow and looks at him in disbelief.

"Ok... I’ve heard you say too many times I’m a shitty human being." Dinesh tries to sound relaxed and is aware he’s failing but he doesn’t stop. "So I don’t think you’re completely honest now... You like to mess up with me but you’re kind of sincere too so..."

"But that’s not what I’m saying right now. You’re fine."

"Yes... you said that too many times already. And the fact that that is the only nice thing you can say about me makes me believe it’s not true." That’s the same bullshit he’s been hearing through the years. "I’m not stupid. I know you like to think I’m stupid but I’m not."

"Come on man... I’m trying to explain myself here... damn!" Replies Gildfoyle and Dinesh gives him another opportunity before he kicks him out of his room. "And you’re not making this easy so please can you please listen to me for real because I’m going to be fucking honest." This is like Gilfoyle is talking to Anton and Dinesh feels special because he’s the first human being that is treated with that affection. "So... you’re fine, don’t interrupt me, I need time to choose the correct words... What I’m trying to say is that you’re fine being you. You’re not perfect; you’re really far away from perfection and you have disgusting flaws so many flaws..." Gilfoyle sighs when he says that. "I mean I don’t understand how you can live being worried constantly by what others think about you; it’s embarrassing to watch you and must be exhausting for you."

"I guess you are about to say something good about me but I... I don’t see what that can be." Dinesh is almost in his limit. He was having a good night with Gilfoyle and doesn’t understand why they’re talking about this fucking shit.

"But you have good things like you can be sharp and you have some moments of genuine honesty. Furthermore you are great at coding and can distinguish a fucking good code when you see it..." It’s clear to Dinesh that Gilfoyle is thinking about the ‘gay code’ incident because of course he will use any chance he has to flatter himself. "You ruin those good things every time you try to be someone else, someone better that doesn’t exit. And people can feel when you’re lying because you’re an awful and pathetic liar. When you talk online you create this beautiful character that girls can love; you’re amazing at creating a new persona but then when they see you they realize that you’re not you. And then there’s the other problem..."

"What other problem?" Dinesh regrets to have made the question the exact moment he opened his mouth.

"You’re so fucking insecure and..."

That’s it. Dinesh is not here to be humiliated one more time. He had enough for one day.

"Can you leave me alone?"

"I didn’t say those things to make you mad."

"I know you didn’t but I guess you enjoyed saying them." He says ironically because there is no way Gilfoyle hasn’t thought about humiliating him while saying those things.

"No, I did not."

Dinesh stands up and goes to the door. He's about to open it when Gilfoyle stands up and stops in front of him. Dinesh feels weird at that moment because Gilfoyle is too close and that makes him feel insecure and vulnerable; more than normally.

"I didn't want to offend you."

"Too late I guess."

"I just want to make you see you are not a disgusting human being and..."

"Not helping." Dinesh cuts him because that’s too much and he needs a break from Gilfoyle’s bullshit.

"You shouldn't care what other people thinks about you."

It’s so easy for him to say bullshit like that. He’s not the inept of the group. He’s not the one with a weird mannerism when he talks or moves his body. He’s not the one denying his culture and family with any decision he takes. He’s not the one too damn desperate for human touch. He’s not the outsider of the group; the one who never fits in any place. Even Jared is a better functional human in the social aspect than him and that’s just sad.

"Fuck them."

Dinesh tries to control himself because Gilfoyle is too damn close and he's being nice with him suddenly in a way that is uncomfortable because Dinesh is unsure about what everything means between them at the moment. Gilfoyle is almost over him, looking at him with intensity through the glasses that Dinesh doesn't know how to interpret what is happening. Gilfoyle gets even closer to him with that serious expression that makes Dinesh shivers... He wants to kiss him. Dinesh maybe is being delusional but he feels Gilfoyle breathe against his face and that feels like an invitation to kiss him.

It's not a good idea. Dinesh knows is a dick move to kiss him. If he's reading wrong the situation and Dinesh being a social misfit probably is drawing to the wrong conclusions, this could be the end. Not the end of their friendship because Dinesh is kind of sure they have a mess up but strong friendship there but Gilfoyle would remember him this moment forever to laugh at him and Dinesh would die of embarrassment every time. But on the other hand if he's wrong this can be the end of his pining for Gilfoyle because his rejection would crush him and maybe that is what he needs to move on from this exhausting situation.

"Fuck me. Why would you listen to me even?"

This is the moment. Dinesh moves closer and takes Gilfoyle face between his hands and kiss him. Dinesh knows this is not his best kiss. He's too  nervous right now but he wants to be at least decent because if this was a wrong move he wants at least that Gilfoyle can't say he is a horrendous kisser and that is another reason to make girls run away.

Dinesh moves his tongue over Gilfoyle’s lips. He tastes like beer and cereal and Dinesh loves that awful combination on his lips.

When he breaks the kiss Dinesh is breathing fast and feels his face burns. He wants to run away from his room, the house and even the city. He is sure this is going to explode in his face right now. Dinesh waits for Gilfoyle disturbing laugh.

This is it he thinks. This is the end of his crush and it's going to hurt.

However Gilfoyle doesn't laugh, he just moves one if his hands to his lips and licks them with a soft smile. And suddenly is Gilfoyle who is kissing Dinesh hard and almost desperate. Dinesh closes his eyes and lets Gilfoyle to take control of the kiss. It's long and satisfying. Dinesh opens his mouth to receive Gilfoyle's tongue and shivers when the contact between them ends.

Dinesh opens his eyes to see Gilfoyle going to his bed to sit down. He looks weird. Dinesh is going to say something, probably something obvious and stupid when he hears Gilfoyle odd laugh and he’s sure he’s laughing at him. Dinesh wants to shout at his stupid face but stops himself just in time because Gilfoyle's seems happy and relief in Gilfoyle level of course.

"What the fuck is happening?" Dinesh whispers because he can't believe what he's watching. Gilfoyle looks kind of happy sitting on his bed. Dinesh is nervous because when Gilfoyle laughs he can be like that for several minutes and normally he's not very good at explaining things but when he's laughing he's much worse. Dinesh doesn't know what to do next so he just stands awkwardly in the middle of his bedroom. Should he kiss him again? Is that what someone normal would do in this situation? Can Gilfoyle be waiting for this? Or maybe he's laughing in advance when he talks to the others to tell them what just happened in his room? Dinesh is completely lost. He frowns and closes his hands nervously. He remembers Gilfoyle’s words about being too insecure and always worried about what others think about him... If this is going to be a joke now it's too late to avoid it so... nevertheless Gilfoyle has kissed him too which can mean that that was the right move and he has a chance with Gilfoyle. Finally Dinesh goes to Gilfoyle.

"Fuck this." he mumbles. "Fuck me." Dinesh kisses him hard and deep. There is no control not holding back this time. If he’s going to regret all of this at least he’s going to try to make it worth it. Dinesh pushes Gilfoyle against the bed without breaking the kiss.

This is it.

This is where everything is going to change. And Dinesh is terrified but he’s not going to stop. This is his fucking and only moment for this. And the fact that Gilfoyle hasn't thrown him from the bed must be a good sign. Dinesh doesn't know what he's doing; he's too inexperienced in so many aspects. He moves his hands under Gilfoyle's shirt and touches his skin. And then it's when Gilfoyle stops him.

This is the line.

Dinesh has crossed the line and now he will have to deal with Gilfoyle.

"Are you sure about this?" Gilfoyle hasn't stopped him because he's disgusted and that makes Dinesh breathes in relief.

"Yes!" Dinesh is going to kiss him again when Gilfoyle stops him again.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know... trying to hook up with you. Maybe do sex to you?" Is that the correct answer?

"Are you sure?"

"I've been sure about this for months. I've been fantasizing about this so many nights I can't believe this is actually happening." Dinesh talks too much when he's nervous and knows he's saying more than he should but he can't stop.

Gilfoyle doesn't say anything else and kisses him. Dinesh can touch him now and feels Gilfoyle's cold fingers against his belly making Dinesh gasps. This is fucking amazing! But once again Gilfoyle stops him. Dinesh looks at him in disbelief cause he doesn't understand what the fucking problem is.

"Are you ready to be hard in front of me? To fuck with me without being an issue later?"

"What do you mean?"

"There is no going back. If we fuck you will have to deal with the fact that we've seen each other naked and hard."

Of course Gilfoyle would remember those words. But that doesn’t matter right now. This is not about being with a stripper and touching their dicks together like a cult; this is sex. This is them having sex together so it’s completely different but Dinesh can understand why Gilfoyle can think this could be a problem.

"So?"

Dinesh nods and understands what those words mean as well. This means nothing to him. Gilfoyle has a girlfriend with an open relationship so this is allowed. Gilfoyle is a hedonist and for some unknown reason is attracted to him and wants sex with him. Maybe after this Gilfoyle is not going to show any interest for Dinesh or maybe they will have casual sex; anyway Dinesh is content with this. This is going to be probably his only chance to taste Gilfoyle and he's not going to fuck up this opportunity by being a prude.

"It's fine. It's fine."

"Sure? I don't want a scene tomorrow or any shit from you."

"Are you fucking deaf? I just told you it's fine. No one will know what has happened; no scene or weird changes between us. Are you going to be the one making the problem?" Dinesh has to sound incredible sure because Gilfoyle starts kissing him again and this time he doesn't stop him two seconds later.

They kiss and undress between moans and broken kisses. Dinesh has seen porn, he has seen even gay porn to feed his fantasies about Gilfoyle but right now he's not sure about what he's doing. Porn is not a good school. So he just follows what the other does.

"Do you have condoms?"

"Ohhhh.... shit!" He does have condoms but not lube.

"So sad is your sex life that you don't have condoms?" Dinesh sighs exasperated for the situation. "Of course it is."

"I have but..."

"Are they expired?"

"Fuck you! That's not the fucking problem. We need lube or some similar shit." Dinesh doesn't know much about gay sex but he knows they need something. Gilfoyle smirks and Dinesh wants to hit him.

"I’m actually impressed you know about such things."

"Fuck you." Dinesh is thinking about what else he could say when the other talks.

He’s scared Gilfoyle can leave the room and forget about this. This is his opportunity to be with him, to taste his lips... He can´t leave things like this. He has to do something to convince Gilfoyle he has to return for more. Dinesh has to do something. He can't let Gilfoyle go. He needs to know he's ready for this. Dinesh has to make something to show Gilfoyle he wants this too. Dinesh has to do something to make sure Gilfoyle will come for more that he wants to come back for more. So he does the first thing that crossed his mind. Dinesh pulls Gilfoyle and kisses him hard.

Mia always said he was a great kisser. Mia always wanted his kisses. So Dinesh kisses Gilfoyle. It's a long, hard and wet kiss. Dinesh's tongue goes inside his mouth and wanders, discovering. He has to do it right. So Gilfoyle knows he's sure about this; that this is not happening because they've having some beers together. Dinesh has to do this right.

Dinesh is not good under pressure but in this moment is helping him because he doesn't have space for second thoughts. Dinesh can't think about the fact a good son would have never done this. Dinesh doesn't restrain himself and his mind run away from the fact this is what he's been running from. Dinesh has spent all his life avoiding these feelings. Dinesh has been running all his life from this moment. Years of self-deception wasted for the taste of his lips. This is not what a good son would do. This is not what he should be wanting...

A good son wouldn't be putting his hand inside of other man's underwear. A good son would never stroke another man's cock. But Dinesh doesn't think about that. He doesn't allow himself to think about that.

His mind is now worried with the possibility of losing his only chance with Gilfoyle.

Gilfoyle's moans die inside his mouth and Dinesh feels so fucking good about himself. He doesn't give time to Gilfoyle to recover when he's masturbating him. It's messy and not how Dinesh would like but it's working. Gilfoyle breaks the kiss and his back hits the bed. He spreads his legs and gives Dinesh more space to work.

This is good. Dinesh keeps working; his hand going up and down. Dinesh frees one second his dick to lick his palm so his strokes can be quicker and more agile. Gilfoyle's body tenses when his fingers are one more time touching him. Dinesh leans over him to kiss him again.

This is good.

Dinesh can see in his eyes the pleasure. He's doing it right.

"Ohhh... fuck!" Gilfoyle gasps. And Dinesh feels so proud at that moment. He's doing that. He's the one giving pleasure to Gilfoyle. He's the one making him moan. Gilfoyle arches his back. Dinesh knows what that means. He's doing a good job between him legs. He's giving him what he wants. Gilfoyle us a nihilist so he will love this moment with him. Dinesh is not having second thoughts about anything even though he should. Dinesh is doing what he can to make Gilfoyle return to his room in the future.

"I can do it better." He mumbles. Gilfoyle has to know he can do much more with lube and condoms.

Gilfoyle nods with a surprise look in his eyes. He wasn't expecting this from him. Dinesh is sure he thought he would have to do all the work here. But he doesn't know how desperation can acts miracles. And Dinesh is desperate to make this work. Dinesh has wanted this for a long time and now he can have it.... and it's a mistake. It's wrong.

In another moment Dinesh would be stopping himself but after everything has happened in the last days he can’t find the strength in stopping himself. This is what he ever desired since he was young. And specifically to be with Gilfoyle is what he has been dreaming for the last year.

It's a mistake but it is not like he's going to be with Gilfoyle forever. This is something he can let happen. This is something he can taste. Gilfoyle has a girlfriend and this is only happening because he is seeking some pleasure since he can't be with Tara and he can have it from him. Dinesh is well aware this is not something that will last.

He's safe.

This is ruined from the beginning.

He can taste this. He can taste him. And after, he can go back to his miserable illusion.

He's safe.

Gilfoyle comes with a thick load of cum in his hand and eyes closed. Dinesh observes his parted lips; they look delicious. Dinesh leans to gives him a quick kiss. And after that he's lost.

His eyes wander around the room till they find Gilfoyle's which are still numb. Dinesh asks himself if this is enough. And for one second he thinks Gilfoyle looks lost as well like this is not what he was expecting from him. Dinesh bits his lower lip. Should he say something?

There is an awkward silence that last one minute before Gilfoyle says something because Dinesh doesn't know what he should do next. He hopes Gilfoyle goes with the promise of coming back. Dinesh is sure he has done it right. He can see the way Gilfoyle’s legs tremble imperceptible almost and the surprise in his big eyes. He will want more of this. Dinesh is sure he will want to come for more. Dinesh has showed him how much he wants this and that he’s ready for this.

"I want more of this." It's the only thing he says before standing up. "Buy lube for tomorrow." Gilfoyle adds before he stands up and starts walking to the door. It’s obvious he wasn’t expecting this reaction from repressed Dinesh.

"Don't you... uhm... should I...?"

"Just buy lube for tomorrow." And after that he goes out of the room closing the door after him leaving Dinesh alone. "And fuck me."

Dinesh is aware he has limited social skills but he's sure this is weird objectively. He lets himself fall in the bed with his breathing still erratic. He just hears his own breath for some minutes; he's trying to absorb what just happened in his own room.

Gilfoyle has come in his bed.

Gilfoyle has kissed him.

Gilfoyle is attracted to him.

Dinesh knows hell just broke and that this is not going to end well but who cares? Who fucking cares? He has tasted what he desired. It's the first time in his miserable life someone is attracted to him like this and feels so good he's not going to ruin it just now. So Dinesh puts off any thought related to his parents and the fact that this is a fucked up situation if he really wants to be the kind of son they deserve and want. But Dinesh is too happy to think about them. He needs a break from that hopeless feeling he always has when he thinks about them.  Before he goes to sleep he sees Gilfoyle t-shirt on the ground so he picks it up and puts it in his chair. Tomorrow Gilfoyle can take it back.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Dinesh buries any doubt in the darkest place of his mind. He needs to feel Gilfoyle. He really needs this; at least he can have a little taste from him before denying everything one more time.

Next morning Dinesh has breakfast and tries really hard to look normal. If he wants to have the chance to fuck Gilfoyle he needs to play cool. And he does it. When Gilfoyle comes for something to eat they just exchange the normal amount of words with the normal bickering. He even doesn't look at him while they are working. Dinesh works hard to focus on the screen and never check on Gilfoyle. He feels like a champion.

In the afternoon he says he needs real coffee or any shit like that to buy lube and when he’s coming back he remembers to buy some coffee for Gilfoyle too because that is something they do from time to time for each other.

"What is this?"

"Coffee. It's not poisonous."

"The fact that you've had the necessity of making that remark makes me doubt."

"Don't drink the fucking coffee then." And with that Dinesh sits in his chair to keep working. When they are at home with the rest they act normal and Dinesh is really proud of himself when he goes to his room hence he has to restrain himself because he wants to shout. He's so excited. And after some minutes he starts to doubt. What if Gilfoyle never comes...? What if he has forgotten about what he said yesterday and never appears? Maybe he thinks he's not worth it. Maybe he thinks he shouldn't have brought the coffee and considers that bad news. Dinesh looks at the door anxious.

Oh fuck.

Has he behaved like Gilfoyle wanted?

Dinesh clenched his teeth and tries to relax. He could drink something. Does he have a bottle in his room? Has he finished the last one?

He's about to put on his pyjamas when Gilfoyle enters in the room without knocking. Dinesh can see he's ready for this. There is no doubt in his eyes. Dinesh is shirtless and for one second he feels vulnerable. Dinesh is about to look at the ground when Gilfoyle is kissing him. Dinesh forgets immediately his fears about his body. And this one is even more passionate than the others and thirsty; and Dinesh forgets all is doubts. Dinesh remembers Mia briefly. He remembers the sex and how good it felt always and the way Mia asked always for more. And suddenly he feels confident.

He can do this.

Dinesh follows his instincts. He opens his lips to make the kiss deeper and plays with Gilfoyle's tongue. And before he ends the contact between them he gives the other a playful bit in his lower lip. Dinesh takes off his dark t-shirt and looks over his chest. His hands touch his skin and feels how he shivers with surprise and excitement. Dinesh knows what Gilfoyle is thinking and smiles because he's sure he can't believe what is happening; Dinesh is the one taking control of the situation. However Dinesh doesn't let himself a lot of time to think about that because this is how this works; right now Dinesh is not thinking about what he's doing. He doesn't allow his mind to dwell on any insecurity of his. For some reason he knows what he's doing; even if he really doesn't.

Dinesh unlocks his bell and throws it away from them. Then go the jeans and finally his boxer. Dinesh has the control when he guides the two of them to the bed and takes the lube. He knows he needs to be careful. This is happening and he has to do it right if he wants this to happen again in the future. Gilfoyle is a hedonist and follows pleasure so if Dinesh can give him that the other will come back for more.

So this is it.

But before they go to that part they need some foreplay in advance. Dinesh needs him asking for his cock. He kisses him again and at the same time he guides his hand to his dick to touch it delicately at the beginning; it's a light stroke. And he feels Gilfoyle moans against his mouth which is a good sign. He repeats the process till he thinks Gilfoyle is ready for the next step. Then he wraps his fingers around it and moves them around it really slow.

"Fuck..."

Dinesh smiles and abandon his lips to lick his neck; exactly where his beard starts. This is good. He continues travelling through his skin to his nipple. Gilfoyle bury his fingers in his hair and moans louder. It's perfect.

"Damn Dinesh...." Gilfoyle tries to say something but he's incapable when the other makes his strokes quicker. "Fuck!"

Dinesh feels a bit of his pre come slips through his fingers and knows it's time to prepare him. He takes the lube and opens it to take some with his fingers. Dinesh doesn't ask him if this is his first time with a guy; he doesn't need to know. He's better not knowing. He puts the first finger inside and makes circular moves.

"Do you like it?" He asks in a whispers feeling uncharacteristically confident. Gilfoyle's tremble and Dinesh continues little by little placing two more fingers. Each groan he hears make him feel better and more certain about what he's doing down there. Finally he puts four fingers. "Are you ready for the real deal?"

"Fuck... Yes!" Gilfoyle almost shouts and Dinesh feels the urge to kiss him to drown his voice. The others are in the house and Dinesh knows this is a secret between the two of them just like the fact that Gilfoyle has been coming to his room for weeks to drink with him for god knows what reasons; probably to feed from his misery like a fucking demon. Dinesh has to free Gilfoyle completely for some seconds to undress himself and put a condom as fast as possible. And for the first time that night Dinesh doubts about how to proceed. What is the best posture? His fingers move softly through Gilfoyle's legs that are shivering.

"Come on... fuck me..." His voice is pure sex. Gilfoyle sounds so fucking desperate, in his own standards, for this, for Dinesh, that he is unable to stop any other second. He grabs his legs to spread them a little more and rubes his cock against his butthole. At first he doesn’t do any attempt to put it inside. Dinesh has to release one of his thighs to make sure he's placing his dick in the correct spot and when the tip is inside he pushes it. He doesn't rush things. He needs to do this right to make Gilfoyle come back for more.

"Come on...!" Gilfoyle urges him. "Fuck me Dinesh." That voice is so fucking sexy that Dinesh needs some seconds to recompose himself and being able to do what Gilfoyle is almost begging him. Dinesh starts a slow pace at the beginning. He goes deep inside Gilfoyle and savours every groan from him. Dinesh lies down a little to be able to make his thrusts even deeper and licks his neck to taste his sweat and feels his Adam's apple every time he swallows between moans full of pleasures. Dinesh enjoys the view and sees Gilfoyle's eyes shine completely lost. "More!" Dinesh listens and gives him exactly what he wants. He increases the rhythm and fucks him hard and straightens to masturbate him at the same time. He's being clumsy with his hand but it's so fucking difficult; however he hopes this is enough to make Gilfoyle come too.

Dinesh focus completely in Gilfoyle and holds on till he has his cum sliding through his hand. Dinesh comes as quietly as possible and drops by next to the other. Their breathings are irregular and deep. Dinesh tries to calm and closes his eyes. He can taste Gilfoyle sweat still in his tongue and it's so fucking amazing... He savours the moment and doesn't open his eyes till he feels the other leaving the bed.

"Are you leaving?" Dinesh tries not to sound too eager for that to happen. It is better if Gilfoyle doesn’t spend the night there.

"Yes." Gilfoyle answers with his breathing still out of control. "You are unexpectedly good at this." Dinesh would have gone crazy after that in another moment but his tone is not completely neutral and his breathing is still out of control while telling him something good.

After that Gilfoyle leaves the room, Dinesh just rolls in his bed till he's under the sheets. He's too tired to have a shower at this hour. Furthermore he doesn't want to lose Gilfoyle's scent just yet. There is a chance this is a onetime thing so he's not going to clean any trace of what just happened in his own room immediately. Dinesh takes a deep breath and allows himself enjoy the moment. He's done well.

His mother’s face appears in his mind and Dinesh’s insides twist because he knows this is a mistake. To fulfil his desire is a mistake and if Gilfoyle comes back like Dinesh so desperately wants... It feels like Dinesh is digging his own grave. Dinesh looks his fingers; still with Gilfoyle’s semen on them. Will he be able to survive this? Dinesh puts his middle finger over his lower lip and licks it. What is he doing?

He can’t go back from this. But maybe he doesn’t need to go back exactly from this to his old life. This is not serious. Gilfoyle has a girlfriend and Dinesh is just fooling around before he has to settle down with who his parents decide. He can do this. He has been preparing all his life for that future and what he has with Gilfoyle doesn’t necessarily have to ruin that. He’s ready to lie to himself when the time comes. And in the meantime he can enjoy this.

He can enjoy this for a while.

This is not serious and that is a good thing, Dinesh thinks with a fake smile.

He can keep doing this for a while.

Next morning Dinesh doesn't know how to face Gilfoyle so he wakes up too early and takes a quick shower to run to work. The rest will think he just wanted to have back his parking lot and that’s why he woke up insanely early today. Then it's easy to focus in the screen of his computer even when Gilfoyle comes to work at stares at him for too long without saying anything which makes Dinesh feels stupid and numb because he doesn't know what he's supposed to do now.

Ironically sex is easy for Dinesh.

It comes naturally to him what he should do. The fact that he puts too much effort in his daily efforts to interact with the world and when he flirts is a good quality during sex. But he has no idea about what he needs to do before or after sex. He always tries too hard and he's afraid that that is what is going to happen now. He will try too hard with Gilfoyle too. Gilfoyle is a douchebag but he's usually right about him; he's too fucking insecure and always tries too hard to compensate all the flaws he desperately tries to hide from the rest of the world.

Dinesh sighs looking at the screen. He would love to be like the rest of the group. Richard is amazing and even if he suffers from social anxiety he knows how to talk to people and can code like nobody Dinesh has met. Elrich is an asshole but he knows how to connect with people and is not afraid about his own flaws, in fact he’s able to show them with no shame like a good thing and convince others they are actually good. Jared has had a shitty life but he seems genuinely happy most of the time and is sure about what he's doing and why, he has faith and can see the big picture like nobody else inside Pied Piper. And then there is Gilfoyle who condemn the world and is at ease with his decisions in life and can live without the need of having anyone around but a piece of metal to talk to. Dinesh envies all of them because all of them have something he craves for himself.

But the thing he envies the most is that they're honest; maybe not with the rest of the world but they're honest with themselves; something Dinesh is incapable of being. He lies all the time; he lies to people and his own friends and family. And he lies to himself with such passion and desperation... It hurts. But he can't stop; no matter the pain he just keeps lying because it's the only thing he knows how to do since he was a child and wanted his parents to look at him with pride in their eyes. He learnt how to be somebody else because he knew he was weird as fuck and nobody liked weirdos.

Dinesh got the perfect chance to run away from Pakistan and his family thanks to one lie that he's been repeating to himself since then even though he's a CTO and would rather die than being anything but a coder. But the promise and the lie are there suffocating him. It's ironic how lies have been his only way to survive but at the same time have made him miserable.

And Gilfoyle is right when he calls out his bullshit but still it's cruel the way he enjoys rubbing it against his face. To face who he really is constantly it’s exhausting and nobody seems to understand that. He’s a shitty person and doesn’t have good qualities on his own but he tries really hard and unsuccessfully to be better. The problem is that people are difficult to understand and Dinesh sucks at interpreting them, always has been.

But suddenly it hits Dinesh the perfect solution. He shouldn't care. It's simple. Gilfoyle doesn't do relationship like the rest; he has his gorgeous girlfriend who will come back eventually so this is just a way to pass the time with someone else while waiting to fuck her again. So Dinesh doesn't have to do anything at all. He doesn't have to face Gilfoyle nor ask him what will happen next. He just has to treat his with the right amount of disdain like always and if Gilfoyle has liked the sex and wants to repeat the experience he will come back if he can see Dinesh behave and doesn't do a scene.

Dinesh can do that. He lies to himself.

That is easy. He keeps lying.

So Dinesh gets up from the chair and goes to take a snack. He's already hungry after having had breakfast so fucking early. He decides to go out of the building to the cafeteria that is in front of the building. He needs fresh air.

He can do this. He can act normal in front of everyone.

Dinesh drinks his coffee and goes back to work where Gilfoyle is waiting for him.

"No coffee for me today?" It's a test. Dinesh breathes and convinces himself he can pass it.

"I don't bring coffee to ungrateful bastards." He sits in his chair trying not to look anxious. That's a good answer and Gilfoyle deserves it since that morning he made fun of his t-shirt.

From that moment Dinesh relaxes in his chair and convinces himself everything is going to be fine. The good thing with Gilfoyle is that he doesn't need to worry about talking to him while working. In fact he doesn't need to try to impress him or make small talk. The only thing he needs to be careful about is making any comment related to the fact he's good at sex and now he knows it. For someone as insecure as him is a miracle he's so aware about his capacities at sex and the fact he's good at it. So Dinesh sighs in his chair and continues working.

Dinesh goes out early that day because he's fucking tired since he got there before time and couldn’t rest very well at night. So he goes home and starts playing videogames by his own till Gilfoyle comes and tags along without asking. Another test to know if there is something wrong but Dinesh plays cool and just complain about the fact he's a cheater. So they play together and for the first time, Dinesh realizes they're sharing the screen of the TV. They've been doing it for a while, long before they were kicked out of Elrich house, but Dinesh never thought about that till now because he can feel Gilfoyle warm body next to him. It has been so natural since the beginning that he never stopped to think about what that means for them and their relationship. They're not just a friend but best friends and it's kind of nice to have somebody like that in his life finally although he can be a dick from time to time.

Truth be told Gilfoyle can be not just an asshole but mean as well with him but Dinesh can see he deserves it some time because he's a douchebag as well. Anyways it's nice to know Gilfoyle is a friend and they can enjoy their time together. And this is the proof. Their friendship is not perfect but it’s enough for him. It has to.

Gilfoyle doesn't make any comment about what happened last night and Dinesh remains quiet as well because he doesn't want to fuck things between them by being too needy.

When they get tired they have dinner and Richard and Jared tag along and they talk about stupid things and the office and how Richard has passed another day without having an anxiety attack which is nice. They have beer and have a good time till Jared announces he's going to bed and adds they should do the same because there is a lot of work to do tomorrow. Dinesh listens to him and goes to his room.

Dinesh undress slowly trying to give Gilfoyle time to come to his room before he put on his pyjamas. To go to Gilfoyle's room is out of the question; he can't go after him first after the first time or he will look desperate. So Dinesh tries to wait awake all the time possible but after hours he finally falls asleep.

In the morning he wakes up once again too early but this time he sees Gilfoyle in the kitchen.

"Fuck...." He mumbles when they look at each other. Dinesh breathes and looks at Gilfoyle cereal boll. He can avoid an awkward situation. He forgets about taking coffee and runs to the door with his keys in hand. He can have breakfast later, right now he needs to win time before he can deal with Gilfoyle and his disappointment about the fact he didn’t appear last night. "I'm not going to lose my place today." So he runs and knows Gilfoyle won't be able to arrive before him which means another win in this war. This is perfect. When he arrives at work he leaves his belongings in his table and goes to get a snack with a smile. This is good.

"Did you enjoy the walk?" He asks Gilfoyle when he sees him. He's not used to this so Dinesh feels powerful because he has just won Gilfoyle two fucking times in a row. Gilfoyle passes him with a serious look that makes Dinesh wonders if he's done the correct thing. Is this normal between them? Is it normal that Dinesh has been able to keep the parking place for two days in a row?

Seven days later things are the same but Dinesh is more stressful than ever in his life. He doesn't know what to do because this thing of not trying hard is not working at all because he tries too hard constantly to no give a shit about Gilfoyle and the fact he hasn't come to his room yet and it looks like he's not going to come ever again. And probably it’s because he’s done something wrong and he misunderstand the situation.

They have been playing videogames and arguing about anything. They have come to a truce about the parking lot thanks to Jared who after a week has decided to put names for them in two places. So the last day Dinesh has gone to work early too but has played the dumb card: he-forgot-his-fight-with-Gilfoyle-was-over; so he left the house at sunrise one more time.

Also he didn’t want to see Richard after last dinner. Dinesh was eating with Gilfoyle, Richard and Jared and Richard decided to fill the silence with a speech about being serious at work since they are now in a real office with other employees. Dinesh has ignored him most of the time because who cares?

In those days Dinesh hasn't been sleeping too much. He waits for Gilfoyle for hours and when he has accepted he's not going to come he can't sleep either because he's too worried about what he could do to make Gilfoyle come again for sex. He's anxious all the fucking time and asks himself hundred of questions about what he’s doing wrong and what he could do differently. Dinesh thinks about what to do to invite him to his room without saying anything. Hence he has left the door half-opens the last night with no results.

Dinesh is starting to make himself aware about not having another chance with Gilfoyle. It's the best thing he can do because he's going crazy. And then there is the thing with his family... Dinesh doesn’t want to think about them.

Dinesh doubts that night about leaving the door open or not... the best thing he could do is to close the door... However, he doesn’t find the strength to do that and he finally leaves a crack. He's weak and desperate always and that's his fucking problem and the reason why he's alone and will die alone. Dinesh sits in his beds and looks the door for some seconds before letting himself falls into the bed with a tired sigh. It's over he thinks at the same time he asks himself how something that never existed can be over.

"Fuck..." Dinesh closes his eyes and gets into bed. Of course he doesn't fall asleep soon but dwell on the fact that once again he's failed. But on the bright side this will save him a lot of problems with his parents’ expectations.

Dinesh is awakened abruptly too early and for one second he thinks the house is on fire or Pied Piper is in danger. However, when he opens his eyes he finds Gilfoyle next to his bed smirking at him.

"What the f...?" Any complain dies in his mouth when Gilfoyle gives him a hungry kiss with no world.

"We have some time before the rest wake up." He whispers against his lips and Dinesh knows he can't lose any second. He rolls to be facing up in bed. Dinesh passes his hands around Gilfoyle's neck to kiss him again. Dinesh throws the sheets and gets ready for Gilfoyle. This is going to be quick. This needs to be quick however Dinesh knows he has to do it right because the way he behaves can make Gilfoyle to come back or not.

So he sits and looks at Gilfoyle. He has to do it right. He has to do a good job if he wants to Gilfoyle to come back. Gilfoyle only will come for more if he enjoys this night. Dinesh can’t waste another night being insecure and doing nothing. Tonight he has to show him what he can do and demonstrates him what he can loses if he decides not to come back. So there is no time to waste.

"What are you waiting for?" He asks sleepy yet. "You don't need your clothes." Dinesh takes down his sweatpants till his ankles and looks at the clock he has in his nightstand... It's too fucking early but not enough to waste time in foreplay. "Come on." He urges Gilfoyle because he's too damn slow. Dinesh can see the surprise in Gilfoyle almost plain expression; he doesn't expect him to be like that. Dinesh is being bossy and confident in front of him and it's crystal clear Gilfoyle likes that aspects of Dinesh. "Come here." He invites the other to sit astride.

Dinesh cock is not fully awake yet but Gilfoyle's is ready for this. Dinesh puts his hands over his hips and pulls them to make Gilfoyle moves them. His dick brushes against his belly and Dinesh can feel his butt rubbing slightly his own cock. Gilfoyle gets closer to Dinesh and starts kissing his jaw; his beard brushing his skin while his lips move around his jawbone. Dinesh free one of his hands to try to find the lube and condoms without breaking the contact.

"Help me... I need help..." Dinesh moans quietly against his mouth. "The condom." Gilfoyle takes it and moves as fast as possible to put it on. Dinesh is hard now and completely awake for this. When Gilfoyle sits again he has the lube in his fingers and is rubbing it in his butthole. When he hears his groans, he makes the movement quicker. "Do you like it?" He smiles because he can see the way he nods with his head; his hair in the way and eyes closed. "I can't hear you. Do you like it?"

"Yes."

"Do you want more? Do you want to feel really good?" He continues asking to win some time for Gilfoyle.

"Yes..."

"Are you ready for my cock?" He asks.

"Yes...." Gilfoyle says breathlessly almost.

"I can’t hear you." Dinesh says playfully.

"Oh damnit! Yes!!" Dinesh prays one second and wishes nobody else has heard anything. And then Dinesh puts his cock insides Gilfoyle slowly. "Fuck Dinesh..."

"You feel so good Gilfoyle." Dinesh puts again his hands on his hips and starts moving after him. He doesn't say anything to the other. He probably needs time before he can move. But soon after that Gilfoyle is moving over him; not too much but enough to make Dinesh moans in surprise and bites his lower lip to avoid another one as high as that one. Soon enough Gilfoyle is bouncing on Dinesh making his thrusts deeper and deeper. Dinesh gets delighted with Gilfoyle moans filling his room and can feel his cock hitting his belly and his fingers digging in his skin through the t-shirt. Dinesh makes an incredible amount of effort not to come before Gilfoyle and just when he feels his come wet his clothes and part of his neck, he doesn't allowed himself to cum after some more thrusts. Gilfoyle lies on Dinesh and he can feel his breath hitting his right ear.

"Fuck Dinesh...." Gilfoyle is breathless and Dinesh can't help but smile because he's done that. "So fucking good." He mumbles, his voice rough, before stands up and takes his things from the ground. "See you at breakfast." And after that Dinesh is alone in his room.

When Dinesh listens the other close the door, he takes a deep breath and watches his clock. It's so fucking early. He shouldn't have been awake till late waiting for Gilfoyle to come because of course he would come at the most unexpected time. Of fucking course he would come at this time just to wake him up and fuck. And now it's too fucking early and he hasn't slept too much this night or the previous nights and he’s so fucking exhausted.

He's so tired, however he can't go back to sleep now. Dinesh needs to take a shower and clean himself as fast as possible. Maybe if he's fast enough nobody will know he's having a shower in the morning when he took one last night. So he runs to the bath and goes under the warm water which feels so good and warm. There he realizes he was completely cold. The water feels so nice against his skin... Dinesh spends more time that he needed in the shower because the moment he will be out he will have to deal again with the mess that is his life at the moment.

He spends some more minutes to be under the water and warm his body before he gets out. And it's then when Dinesh realizes he didn't bring any clothes with him. He panics for one second at the thought of going out of the bathroom wearing only a towel. Dinesh looks his reflection in the mirror. He hates what he sees. He's never been comfortable with his body image and has never been able to walk without any clothes inside the house... Fuck, he never used the pool in Elrich's house because of that reason. But now he doesn't have other option. Dinesh goes out as quiet as possible of the bathroom just to find Jared completely clothed in the corridor.

"Fuuuuuck...." He mumbles lengthening the ‘u’ too much.

"Oh!" That's everything Jared says. None of them moves which makes the situation more awkward even.

"Whaaaat... are you looking?" Dinesh wants to sound aggressive and ready to say something slightly hurtful to Jared but he can't. He's naked under the towel and feels so damn vulnerable.

"Good morning! I wasn't expecting to see you here." Jared sounds happy and oblivious to the fact that Dinesh is having a hard time at the moment. "You've been going to work so early that I thought you were already there." And that gives Dinesh the opportunity to talk about something he has an explanation for.

"Since Gilfoyle and I have different spots to park our cars there is no need for me to continue with that." He feels more comfortable suddenly.

"It's true. Well I have to go now. I want to have a coffee before leaving." Dinesh looks at Jared going to the kitchen.

He runs to his room and gets ready for work. He takes his belongings with him and sees Gilfoyle’s shirt there perfectly fold. He forgot about it last night. He should have given him the t-shirt. Dinesh shrugs; he will have another moment to give it back to his owner, or that’s what he wants to believe. Dinesh goes to the kitchen where Jared is drinking coffee. Dinesh serves himself a long and dark coffee. He's so tired. He’s thinking about taking a can of Red Bull with him when Gilfoyle enters too.

"Good..."

"Fuck you Jared." Dinesh ignores them because there is nothing special about that conversation. Dinesh just tries to enjoy his coffee and figures it out what he can do to survive the day; more coffee and Red Bull is going to be needed. He has been sleeping deprived a lot of times so this shouldn't be a problem. He's about to finish his coffee when Richard appears and looks at him.

"It's weird seen you here...."

"The fight is over so there is no reason why I should be at work at that hour anymore." He explains like it is obvious; which it is.

"Ok... just don't come late."

Dinesh wants to complain because of course he's the only one who is getting shit for that; but he's tired and this is not worth it so he just finishes is coffee and leaves the kitchen.

"Leaving already so fuck you." He shouts in his way to his car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is all for now. The next one will be the last.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome.


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